Saturday, March 15, 2014

A LOT HAppens in a year!

Wow. I haven't written anything since January of 2013. Time flies. So much has changed. And some things haven't.

I found out in July after gaining most of the weight back that I had lost that I am, in fact, a food addict. I started going to 12-step meetings for food addiction and realized pretty quickly that I fit the bill in more ways than 13 out of 20... and so it began.

At this point I am 185 lbs. I started the Ideal Protein Diet at 258 lbs., got down to 213 then gained 20 back before I started the F.A. program at 233. I knew I was only going up and I was only getting worse. It was pretty awful. I weigh 20 lbs. less now than I was when Aron met me. I got down to 185 when I graduated chiropractic school and spent the summer in San Diego at the Optimum Health Institute and my friend Tommy's house. Before that I haven't weighed under this weight since I was a teenager. I think my goal is going to be around 110 which will make my total weight release to be around 148 lbs. That is about what Aron weighs. THAT IS CRAZY!!!!

Sasha is 6! She is the most beautiful, lovely, talented, creative, amazing girl I have ever met. I seriously scored in the kid department. It breaks my heart on a daily basis that I didn't have another but I am so happy with this one I don't want to be sad.

Aron is still a total rollercoaster and inept at making any decisions based in the reality of a stable and dependable future for Sasha and our family. So I have taken on getting all my shit together and affairs in order so I can insure her college tuition of choice and a little house of our own sometime before she graduates high school.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Karen Eve again...

In just a few minutes it will be my birthday AGAIN! Why does this keep happening? The years just flow by like a broken down dam...

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

That song is so deep in my soul. I am definitely having a hard time believing in this living. I think I am better in many ways than I was a year ago. I am 40+ pounds lighter. I live in San Rafael in a condo I own. I am driving a decent 2012 Toyota. Sasha is at the Marin Waldorf School until June and then going to the Marin JCC for summer camp then to Silviera Elementary School 2 blocks from our house. I'm taking classes at the College of Marin in Early Childhood Education so I can begin a second career this year. I think ultimately things are heading in a good direction.

I feel like I am standing in quick sand. It is hard to describe. I am committing to getting myself in better shape, physically, financially and emotionally. This is going to be a great year. I am happy, healthy and wealthy. I am grateful to be alive.

Why I want to Shrink she says...

Interesting question Matthew. Thought about it all morning. I have thought about it and talked about it for years and years. I want to write it out so that I can refer to it when I forget or when I get discouraged. Some of these are more stereotypical than others...
1 - I believe, mostly because I've been taught, that a lower basal metabolic rate (BMR), and body to fat ratio lowers the incidence of heart disease, cardiovascular disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.
2 - I believe I will live longer if I weigh less.
3 - I believe I will be able to walk more easily, climb stairs and mountains, exercise, bounce, dance and stretch the more weight I lose.
4 - I want to prove to myself and the world that I have the discipline it would take to have <25% bodyfat and maintain it for my lifetime.
5 - I think that people have a hard time associating my bodytype as a doctor of chiropractic who offers wellness and a more liberating lifestyle than a smaller bodytype.
6 - I have witnessed my entire life the women around me who are smaller get way more attention from men, women and possible suitors.
7 - I want to be able to play with Sasha and other children with my whole body.
8 - I want to buy clothes that I love, not that just fit me.
9 - I don't want anymore 5-year olds to ask me why I'm so fat or tell me that I am or ask if I have a baby in my tummy.
10 - Since I lost over 40 pounds this past year I can breathe easier, walk up the stairs easier, turn over in bed easier, etc. I believe another 80 pounds will provide many other eases.
11 - I want to be on the cover of People for those who have lost more than half their weight and be an inspiration to countless others who struggle with their weight.
12 - I believe that while we (I) want to say that image is not everything, it sure makes a huge difference in the world we live in to be perceived as healthy and fit.
13 - While my partner is attracted to me in this form, I believe he would be even more so a few sizes smaller.
14 - If I don't stay with my husband, which is sadly a very real possibility, I would like to increase my chances of attracting another life partner.
15 - I have been declined for health insurance and life insurance solely based on my height to weight ratio.

There are more points but that is what just came out. We could have lengthy discussions about each point and all the nuances of each. I have read thousands of pages and seen hundreds of shows about it. I have taken classes, been to dozens of nutritionists, allergists, endocrinologists, naturopaths, homeopaths, chiropractors, acupuncturists, etc. I believe it comes down to my will power and overcoming the obstacles that have been placed in my path. I believe I have already overcome tremendous adversity and survived many physical and emotional challenges that many may not have. I did not win the "genetic lottery" as I have heard it called. I know we all come in different shapes and sizes but let's be totally honest. What would have me want to shrink you ask? What do you think?

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have loving friends and family. I am grateful I had a beautiful girl who will never have to deal with the physical challenges I have. I am grateful for everything my parents and friends have taught me. I am grateful for my wide view of the world and the need for compassion, love, appreciation, empathy, insight, humility, courage, honor, service, and gratitude.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Elusive Happiness

I am noticing this great resistance to writing anything the past few weeks. I realized that while I think that no one is reading any of this and I write as if no one is that maybe one or two random folks out there in the world are and I should show a little more propriety or something like that...

My daughter Sasha is the most important person I have ever met in my life. I have a hard time remembering what it was like to have her inside of my body. I have a hard time with the details of her birth and what it was like for me the first year and half after she was born. I have a hard time accepting the way I was treated by my husband and an even harder time reconciling that I chose to stay even though it has been pretty obvious to me we are of different breeds and have remarkably different values in life.

I am embarrassed that I have revealed such gory details of my heart and mind on these pages on a screen. I feel too vulnerable here. I know I started this to give my daughter something to read when she got older and I wasn't around anymore to give her my direct love and experience but now I am considering erasing it or at least making it private so that only people I know can see it.

It is just a few days from my birthday and I am feeling sad. Sad to be turning 43. Sad that people are dying all around me. Sad that I didn't have another baby. Sad that I don't have a penny to my name. Sad that I haven't created the life that I thought I would. I want to be happy. It feels so elusive. I have it for a moment and then it's gone. I used to be so much better at maintaining it over time even in the face of great challenge.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day to Forget...

Got a call at 5:15am this morning from Aron saying he was in an accident and totaled my car. I spent the next hour and half on the phone back and forth with Geico answering questions and trying to get him towed even though his cell phone was dead and he was by himself in the middle of nowhere. By the time I finally got to the tow part of the call he called me from the tow truck the police dispatched and was on his way to the tow yard in Novato. He took a cab home and got home around 7am. I think I slept for an hour after he got home. I have gone through a lot of emotions today. I am so bummed. I went there with Sasha after we played at the House of Air with Oren and his parents and had lunch at Mel's Drive-in on Lombard St. I cleaned it out. I loved that car. It served me well for the past 10 months. Shortest time I've ever owned a car. Since my insurance will only cover what the car is worth I don't think I will be able to get another car. We'll have to see what happens.

This all happened as it turns out after I drove with Sasha to Nevada City yesterday to visit Antara and Anitra at their new house. It was so fun going on such a big road trip in one day. As I was driving over the 37 around 9pm I was thinking how incredibly dangerous that road was being so thin and dark and close to oncoming traffic. I thought how easy it would be to get in a terrible accident. Then guess where he crashed my car?? On the 37 at 5am! CRAZY. Did I predict the future?

Went to Sebastopol late with Sasha to David's 50th birthday party. I was in such a bad mood but I didn't want to sit home and fester while Aron was up at the party having a good time. So I went. I sang the I Love You song with Aron along with my iPod.

I'm home now. Sasha is asleep on the couch. I don't want to get her upstairs. Aron is sleeping in Sebastopol so he can finish his work for David tomorrow. I have no idea how he functions on a daily basis. I don't know what will have to happen for him to change the direction his life is heading in.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Fly on the Wall

Wow am I really going to write 2 days in a row right off the bat? Am I setting myself up for eminent disaster? It is funny. I seriously doubt that more than a couple of people ever see this so I am mostly just writing it for myself and the universe. I have an idea of what I want to say here and then I read back and it is not that idea. It's not bad but it certainly isn't great. I never got high marks in English writing classes. I had poor comprehension skills but awesome spelling skills. At least I can spell even if I don't understand crap! I always got lots of red circles and marks all over my papers in high school and college but no one ever explained to me what to do to make them better. So here I am. 42 years old and still can't write a paragraph that makes any sense. Fuck it. It's just my thoughts and they are all over the place all the time so I guess it's more of a snapshot than a novel.

Today ended up being super intense. I got up with Sasha and made her breakfast and packed a lunch as usual. I didn't take a shower because I was running late also as usual and figured I would shower when I got home. Today was winter camp at the Marin JCC until 4pm so I was going to finally have a day off after weeks of none. I left the house to find things in my car that I could not drive around with that Aron left in there last night so I had to take them all out of the car and bring them inside. Then I turned on the car to find that I had 3 miles left to empty. Good thing we live around the corner from a 24-hour gas station even though Aron never uses it. It has become the norm for me to get in my car to find an empty gas tank and crap all over the place that I have to move in order to get Sasha to wherever I need to get her.

We got to the Marin JCC to find out that all the power was out and camp was going to be mostly outside in the freezing cold today if I wanted to leave her. We quickly decided together that we weren't leaving her. So there went my day off. We drove home so I could gather my thoughts and maybe take a shower. I did some of the dishes I swore I would not do since most were not mine. I emptied the dishwasher. I took a shower. I rested my hip which was completely not working today after hiking up and down Mt. Tam yesterday. Sasha played with her cars and drew lots of pictures. She played with her new sticker book and we played hide and seek. I spoke with my dear old friend Suzanne who lives in Hawaii. She told me about her life in 2012 and how she extracted herself from a 7-year relationship that was basically sucking her dry. I could relate a little too well. It was like she was speaking what was inside my head except that she got out. She said it felt as if it was going to have a terrible effect on her health if she stayed and that's what I thought years ago but didn't get out... Yet.

Aron slept until 11am or so. He said he was up till 5am so I just left it alone. He got up, took a shower, got dressed and told me that I had to drive him to Oakland because he couldn't carry the box of things he needed to take to work with him on the bus and Bart and his rollerblades. Since I figured I needed to go food shopping and I wanted to hit the Berkeley Bowl it was ok. I asked him what he would have done if I was not home and he said he would have just carried the box. Funny... the box was about as big as a large microwave and was completely falling apart.

We drove him to Oakland. Then we went to Berkeley finding out that the Bowl was CLOSED! Total bummer. Then I hit the bank to pay the mortgage. Then to Epicurious Gardens to eat something before going food shopping. Got a salad with carnitas on top. Sasha wanted gelato. Then we went to Monterey Market for produce. Then drove to Marin. I decided to stop at Cost Plus to find those little moroccan tea glasses for Sasha but they were out so I got other ones. Then we finally went home to find Josie and her parents playing on the street. I spoke with them for a while. They seem so friendly and warm. I am very grateful we scored in the neighbor department. Sasha and Josie ran at each other full force and Sasha handed her the glitter bouncy ball we got her at Cost Plus as a present. They played for an hour. I came inside and started dinner, looked at photos, FB and the like.

Sasha and I read a little Winnie the Pooh and turned out the light. We sang a few songs, snuggled and rubbed noses. We told each other how grateful we were and how much we loved our friends and our family.

Sasha my love. I had so much fun with you today. You are the sweetest girl. I love your fire. You are so brave, smart, funny, creative, musical, witty, enthusiastic, friendly, kind... You are truly magical. I am so lucky to be your mama.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's Day 2013

It's a New Dawn It's a New Day!
A good day overall... I love John and Andrea. Being with them is so easy for me. They are like family and I cherish that more than most things in life. We slept at their house last night for the 2nd year in a row for New Year's. The boys and Sasha get along so well. Aron and I got in a pretty icky fight on the drive back to Fairfax after we came home to take showers and get our hiking clothes together for our trip up Mt. Tam with everyone. I feel a little sad. I am really present to how difficult it is to be aware of what I am dealing with on a daily basis in relationship with Aron. If I wasn't so conscious I know it would be A LOT easier. His pathology is in full affect the past month and a half and it is seriously taking a toll on my heart and energy in general. I find myself embarrassed at the level of compromise I have shown the last 10+ years with him. I know there wouldn't be a Sasha and I still fantasize about just ending our little fling after the summer of 2002 and what direction my life would have gone in. There were so many signs that I just overlooked because there was so much love between us. It felt so good to be loved the way he loves me but I ended up giving up way too much being with someone who has untreated mental illness and the combination of personality challenges that he deals with. I can barely stand how little he tells the truth or how he destroys every working relationship he gets himself into. And then there is this cosmic love bond we share that keeps me here. I just have to keep my focus on getting my independence back and taking care of myself and Sasha the best way I can. I am committed to getting myself in great shape this year financially and physically. I am way better than I was a year ago today so I know it is possible. I lost about 45 pounds in 2012. I will do it again in 2013. I think losing 100 pounds in 2 years is just fine yes??

When you read this Sasha I want you to remember that so many times I chose to not hide things from you that may have been better off unheard or unseen. I chose to show you my emotions when I'm sad, when I'm happy, mad, frustrated, elated, etc. I don't know if I am causing you damage by letting you see it. I try to maintain a certain level of balance and grace even though the waves of Aron's moods and presence are so wild. I put so much attention on making sure you feel the fullness of my love and protection. I know you will have to deal with your relationship with your father when you grow older. I cannot control how your relationship with him goes nor do I want to. I know how much you love each other and that moves me.

I am committed to getting more sleep this year. I am committed to making at least enough money to cover our bills whether or not Aron is helping. I will figure out a way to go to New York, possibly to Scotland, Hawaii, Tahoe and Boulder. I will see at least one symphony, one opera, one dance concert. I will eat at 2 restaurants on my top 10 list. I will read at least 4 books. I will learn Qigong and start a core workout routine to strengthen my back and stomach muscles. I will give Sasha every chance to play, love and kiss that comes our way.

I am HAPPY, HEALTHY and WEALTHY! Everything I do brings happiness, health and wealth into my life. Happy New Year!